Unconventional Housekeeping Tips You Would Never Have Thought to Think Of!

Everyone loves a clean home.

If Good Housekeeping, Real Simple, Sunset, Better Homes and Gardens, Martha Stewart Living, Country Living, Southern Living, Swamp Living, WASP Living, Moon Living*, half of Instagram, and all of Pinterest are any indication, then a spotless, impeccably decorated home is the key to happiness in this world, and will almost certainly bring peace in the afterlife as well.

While we all know that most women have an innate “Clean Gene,” which allows them to perform household tasks cheerfully, thoroughly, and for hours on end, it’s a sad and lesser known fact that some women are born without this natural urge to tidy up. These poor souls find cleaning to be tedious, are useless when it comes to choosing paint colors and fabric swatches, and routinely toss clean laundry on the floor like an absolute derelicts.

If you fear that you fall into this category of slovenly half-woman, then I am here to tell you that you are not alone. I too once struggled with a lack of cleaning motivation. There was a time when I shamefully allowed crumbs to accumulate on my kitchen counters and toothpaste splatters to linger on my bathroom mirrors. That is, until I found the one true path to tidiness, joy, and utter fulfillment - forcing myself to change.

While gene therapy and medications are in development to fix this tragic Clean Gene Deficiency, such treatments may still be years or decades down the road. Luckily, all it takes is a little gumption and a bit of unconventional thinking to claw your path towards being a normal, functioning member of the female population, rather than a dangerous, disheveled menace to yourself and society at large. Here are a few tips to get you on the road to cleanliness (which is next to Godliness) today!

Clean Your Home with Vodka

From removing odors in upholstery, to giving reading glasses a streak-free shine, to getting rid of the sticky residue left by the price tags on your fabulous new Sur La Table® Ole Taco Dining Set, vodka has a number of wonderful uses. It’s also an excellent way to artificially replicate the cleaning motivation naturally occurring in most women, which you disgracefully lack. After applying some of this miracle liquid to your home (and mouth), you’ll be thinking, “This cleazing...cleaz-ning thing isn’nt sno bad affffterall!”

Here’s what to do:

Buy the cheapest bottle of vodka you can find at your local liquor store. Fill an entire 16 oz spray bottle with the liquid (no need to dilute with water). Go around your house spraying carpet, upholstery, and linens. For every two sprays, take one big swig from the spray bottle for yourself. Once you’ve gone through two bottles, your home will be completely free of any unpleasant odors and stains and you will be pleasantly passed out on the cool, clean, odorless tile of the bathroom floor, dreaming of your next exciting domestic adventure.

Improvise a Vacuum

Allow me to be audaciously, almost shockingly blunt: vacuuming can be a bit of a pain. Oh dear! I can’t believe I said that aloud, but it can be true to ladies without an inborn Clean Gene. If you're one of the poor misfits who’ve never quite taken to the task of vacuuming and have in fact never bothered to purchase such a wonderful machine, but you realize that clean carpets are necessary in the pursuit of a well-lived life, then simply follow these three easy steps:

Find a roll of wide tape in the (hopefully impeccably organized) junk drawer of your kitchen. Any masking, packing, or Martha Stewart flower-printed all natural linen tape will work.

Cover yourself from neck to toes in tape, wrapping your torso and limbs individually for maximum flexibility. Sticky side out, silly! You must still be drunk from deodorizing your home ;)

Next, barrel roll, somersault, and rub your sticky tape butt all over the carpeted areas in desperate need of vacuuming. This method also works on hardwood floors and tile (with only mild bruising of the knees and shoulders).

Before you know it, your carpet will be pristine, your floors will sparkle like diamonds, and you will be a walking shame sculpture of cat fur, loose Cheerios, and bathroom pubic hair, which is what you deserve for not owning a vacuum, you monster.

All Natural Bread Bouquets

Daily, fresh baked bread is the hallmark of any successful homemaker. Even if that homemaker actually has a full time job and no interest in baking and is trying to stay away from carbs. EVERYONE LOVES BREAD, SO YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT! But what happens if your home is already overflowing with delicious food, like a turgid cornucopia of gluttony, and your family doesn't always get around to eating the banana bread you labored over for hours?

Here's a tip:

Let that banana bread sit, covered in aluminum foil, for 3 up to 42 weeks. At the end of this time, carefully peel back the foil to reveal a beautiful tapestry of saffron orange, cerulean blue, and emerald green mold spores.

Add a few fresh sprigs of lavender around the edges of the loaf and voila! Now, your uneaten banana bread doubles as an eye-catching, unique centerpiece, sure to make for lively conversation at your next fabulous dinner party, which as a lady, you are required to host bi-weekly.

Here is an example of a mold bouquet done with old coffee. The possibilities are endless!

Being a disgusting freak-mess in a world full of perfectly groomed fully-human women is not easy, but with these tips, you'll be well on your way to creating the illusion that you deserve to breathe the same hibiscus scented air as the women whose kitchen pantries contain rows upon rows of alphabetized spices.

Good luck squeezing yourselves into the suffocating mold of modern femininity, ladies!

And be sure to include your own desperate, craven household tips and tricks in the comments below.

*Moon Living is not currently in publication, but is slated for release in the Spring of 2060 once humans have established our first moon colony. Articles to appear in the first edition include “Moon Dusting 101,” “The Best Way to Clean Tile Grout, But on the Moon!”, and “How to Fold a Fitted Sheet in Zero Gravity,” just to name a few.